Hipster Intern Haiku

Mix Up

Emo or Hipster?

You all look the same to me.

Whatever, don't care.

$7 Coffee

Where did you get that?

I've never heard of that place.

Coffee makes me tense.

Apple OS

You hate Win 7?

I hate silver laptops and

The word “Barista”.

I Want to Ride My . . .

Ride a bicycle?

Never seen a fat hipster.

You have skateboard too?

More Emo Workplace Haikus

Emo Intern

2 years left in school.

Free expression of clothing,

In your place of work.

Body Art

Your piercings add to,

Your tattoos’ depth and color.

Sign your time card please.

Establishment Fights Establishment

Government project,

Funds your underground music.

Fight Establishment.

SHOCK!

You have promotion!?

Emo Project Manager?!?!?!?

I resign, resign.

Emo Project Management

Project schedule late,

Funding is dwindling quickly.

Emo PM doesn’t care.

Emo Intern Haiku Explosion

Emo Intern

Were you in “The Cure”?

Completely impossible!

You are far too young.

Adam Lambert

Singing so badly,

American Idol clone.

You’re now my intern.

According to Tradition

One quarter Jewish?

Mother’s side? I do not care!

Wipe off mascara.

Earrings

They stretch your flesh so.

Black, large in diameter.

What’s that in your nose?

Haikus directed at Emo Interns

Intern

Dyed black hair on top

Tight jeans on bottom quarters

How are you hired?

Seasons Change

In spring flowers bloom

Minions darken eyes and hair

I hate emo kids

Twilight

Vampire outside

Engineer on the inside

I fear for my life

Spring Gardening

This spring I plan to plant beautiful flowers in front of where we park our cars.

I think the furniture pads and beer bottles my neighbors planted might sprout too. Beer bottle trees are vital to the beer economy.

Bitch, My name is Fred . . .

Let's study a summary excerpt from the "30 Rock" episode "Do-Over":

[Liz takes Bev on a tour of the studio which she says would be a really fun place for a kid to grow up as a light crashes behind her. She says they're a big family and greets a guy by saying "Hey Rick." He says "Bitch, My name is Fred. Rick is the other black guy." Liz grimaces and says it happens to everyone right. Bev says it happens all the time to her black husband.]

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Last week I went to Costco for lunch. As I approached the dining area with my carne asada in hand and mouth drooling a woman with a quality similar to Audrey from "Little Shop of Horrors" (the musical with Rick Moranis) was waving in my direction.

No, rather, she was waving at me.

I realized this and simply walked past her to make a point and to begin enjoying my carne asada. The thickness that is her skull would not allow the subtlety of my directed and calculated ignorance.

"Are you Carl?"

"No, my name is Jason."

" . . . You look like him."

I sat and proceeded to eat my carne asada slowly so could see what this "Carl" looked like.

Carl is Asian (at least Audrey got that part right).

Carl is balding. I mean, really developing a mean cul-de-sac.

Carl has different colored/shaped glasses.

Carl is at least 15 years my senior.

Carl is also a sad looking motherfucker.

Carl looked vaguely like I would in 20 years after losing everything and drowning my sorrows in fast food and video games.

Thanks, white lady Audrey.

Amy Chua is not a Comedienne

I've held off on talking about Amy Chua for a long time. Everyone has said what I wanted to say but until now I couldn't find they reason and words for exactly why I don't like her.

Sure, I dislike her because I interpret her pride in Chinese parenting to be in direct conflict with some of her life choices. Sure I hate the elitism she throws in your face by flaunting her Yale and Harvard credentials (I'm fairly certain that does not a better parent make). I also hate her for being the same exact kind of Chinese as me (Chinese from the Philippines) giving us this bad publicity. And I hate her for being the embodiment of the kind of bad parenting that left me emotionally crippled until just a few years ago (I was parented this way to a certain extent but do not resent my parents for the mistakes they made).

But the biggest problem I have with Amy Chua is that she is parading as a comedienne of parenting. The first week of her interviews was about hyping the book and getting word out about how she bullied and verbally abused her children. The second week was about how she was kidding about all that. Now people are saying you need a sense of humor.

Is a law professor at Yale with a J.D. from Harvard a comedienne? I bet on "Hell No".

Just like how members of congress are not comedians (See "Barack the Magic Negro"), a Harvard educated law professor should not be joking about child abuse. Especially when so many first generation Asian children have taken to the internet.

I can take an offensive joke from Margaret Cho about harsh Asian parenting because she's made it clear that she is kidding (because she's a comedienne and Asian).

Amy Chua miscalculated her publicity and will lose my interest in her book (as others should).

I don't go to see a freak show because of the hype the freaks create . . . especially when the hype is hurtful.

Like a fiG6

8 am. I'm rolling in my hybrid with Far East Movement cranked to 11. Sipping coffee and nibbling on a fig newton, not ackin' like I'm drunk.

Is this acceptable?

Yes, because it's fruit and cake.

Oversensitive Much?!?! - NASA Edition

So I'm being oversensitive here for comedic effect.

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No one wants to smell your stinky fish in space.

http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2010/11/01/in-space-no-one-wants-to-smell-your-stinky-fish-meal/?hpt=T2

If NASA wanted to institute the "No Asians in Space" rule then this was the way to do it.

Come to think about it NASA could stand for "No Asians in Space Association".

Screw you NASA, I'm bringing my fucking fish and I'm having it with fucking fish sauce in fucking space.

Crushing Asian Shame

Joe Kurihara has been arrested for public intoxication. So drunk that he forgot that he had a 3 year old to take care of. The boy is fine but I'm pretty sure the whole family is totally embarrassed.

I'm hoping this isn't what it takes for Asians to go mainstream in the US.

My parents shamed me so much before I was 3 years old that I was deathly afraid of the police (also partly because we called them "Stinky Police", a hold over from the Philippines where almost all police are corrupt).

I actually thought that at any time the police could come take me away for anything mildly offensive. From missing the garbage can to peeing outside the toilet bowl.

As I got older I noticed that cops didn't care about this stuff and that a good deal of them were too fat or too stupid to keep up.

I try to always think a few steps ahead and predict the consequences right before I go through with the action. Joe probably should have done the same.

I like to notice things

I the past few months I've been noticing married Asians more often. And in doing so I've been doing some informal data mining.

I've noticed that the 4 of the 5 Asian women I've seen married to White men had highlights.

While only 1 of the umpteen Asian women married to Asian men have had highlights.

I think that is very, very interesting.

Discuss . . .

Dear Anthropologie,

Why is everything in your store overpriced?

Most of it, I'm sure, is old "new stock" from the 50's and 60's and the clothing is not high quality enough to warrant the price.

You do have nice things, but again, they are overpriced.

Please lower your prices so I can let my significant other spend more time in your store and possibly buy some articles of clothing.

-YF

Floor Refinishing

Today marks the day that my home can start receiving the treatment a home deserves. And by association it also marks the day that I can start relaxing about the state of my home.

I officially took ownership of my home late August and found a distressed home that, while a recent construction, needed some TLC to get back to a condition deemed liveable by me and my lady.

This included painting and refinishing the floors. 2 things you should really do before populating the house with furniture and other "house crap". So the last 4-5 weeks have been a mad rush to choose a paint color (we landed on the contractor's "go to color" Navajo White after looking at lots of different non-white colors, BTW Behr Premium Plus Ultra Paint is worth every penny of $33 per gallon because you only need 1 coat to mask vastly contrasting colors), getting holes in the walls plugged and buying all sorts of crap for the house itself.

And today the floors have received their final coat of polyurethane.

At this point we're coming up on, hopefully, the last month of ridiculous expenses (for a while) and maybe we can just come home, close the drapes, have some privacy and just relax.

I hate having to watch my TV on a computer monitor. I like having my computer hooked up to my TV for a reason. Call spoiled. :-P

The pragmatist in me says that I'll be spending lots of money for a long time to come, though. This is where being raised by parents that grew up in poverty kicks in.

Where do I buy as much of my stuff as possible? Discount stores like CostCo and Ocean State Job Lot. Do I ever pay full price for anything? HELL to the NO. Daddy always has a 10% off coupon in his wallet.

Dear Basement Wall

Dear Basement Wall,

Why did you have to form a stress crack from the corner of the window to all the way to the basement floor?

Why do you have to leak water whenever it rains. Not alot of water but maybe a 2 ft. diameter puddle.

Why can't I plug you with DAP masonry caulk? I even injected it into the crack using a syringe and narrow applicator.

Rest assured, I will own you when I decide to finish the basement.

Your floor will be sealed and leveled, then tiled. Your walls will be sealed and covered with sheet rock. And you will be filled with laughing, playing children.

Enjoy your quiet, leaky days while you can.

-YF

Young Face or 21 Jumpstreet

I turned the age where kids aren't supposed to trust me anymore. In fact I've been this age for almost a year and things have changed for me, but the way people treat me hasn't.

When I was in undergrad people thought I graduated highschool early and asked me, without first confirming, what it was like to be a minor in college.

When I was in gradschool, middle schoolers hit on me (that was partially my fault because I would monopolize the "Pump It Up" dance machine every weekend). People thought I was 19 when I was 26.

When I worked on Jet Engines, all the old people thought I was 22 but I was at least 5-8 years older than that.

Now that I'm starting a new job, I have some facial hair going on. I am the evil twin of YF from the parallel Star Trek dimension. I've made it a point to be a little more agressive and to let people know that I am not to be trifled with.

It is illogical to fuck with me.

But this young face I have is still not going to earn me the respect that reflects my experience.

No comments about how you wish you looked young too. It's a double edged sword and yes, I will enjoy it when I'm 50 and look 35 and people say, "WTF? You're 50? I thought you were 35."
Yah . . . 21 Jumpstreet

Security System

**NOTE: I feel like I'm coming off as paranoid after the last post and now leading into this one. This post was written a few weeks ago and hasnothing to do with the hordes of Neo-Nazis and KKK members hunting me.**

I'm putting up surveillance cameras along the perimeter of my house. The cameras will be inside the house and recording video only so I won't be violating any laws.

I'm trying to figure out if I'm walking the line between paranoia and practicality for the urban neighborhood I live in or if I'm just nuts. But I'd rather err on the side of having cameras than not at all ( call me nuts).

So, stupid teenagers looking to steal my 3 year old, 46", LCD tv, look somewhere else because you're on camera. We don't need no ADD havin', pimple popping brizzles up in my condo.

Also . . . the neighbors back out of their spots really quickly and have all but admitted to me that they're not good at driving (yes it is easy to park in between 2 lines if you look down after the car stops and reposition). I'm afraid they'll back into my shit and then deny it. They seem to be in that "I'm 23 and I'm fabulous and I can't be held accountable for anything I say or do especially when I drunk" stage.

I'll make sure that they are held accountable. Ain't nothing I love better than bankrupting a 23 year old that damages my stuff.

-YF

Racism Sigh

My brother still lives in the town in which we grew up (in the deep south). Sometimes I pity him because of his surroundings and posts like these are why.

It's not right that people still rally to hunt down others unlike them. It's not right to execute a crime of opportunity when the opportunity is a colored person within range/convenience of your harassment.

I believe I've had far less interaction with White Supremacy groups when compared to my brother but over 27 years of living down there and more than a few run ins with Neo-Nazis and KKK members was enough for me.

I can't imagine keeping track of the subtleties of White Supremacists' calling cards and in my world i tend to keep things simpler. My run ins with the this kind of racism have forced me to learn 3 things:
1. You can't always run. You should try to run first. ALWAYS. Often racists are greater in numbers (by their design and acknowledgement of their cowardice). They are also often prepared to go after you should you run.
2. Because you can't always run you should have a plan B. My plan B is knowing enough self defense and dirty fighting to get myself out of a situation. This includes carrying a 3" knife on my person and knowing how to use it effectively against an opponent bent on wiping my people out. I'm lucky enough that I haven't had to use plan B.
3. Always be vigilant and pick and choose the places you go. Southie? No, thank you. I'm pretty sure I'm not welcome there. West Massachusetts? No, thank you. That area is one of the fastest growing in terms of White Supremacy groups/militias. The outskirts of any city where the land is unincorporated and people actually grow their own food? No, thank you. This is where racism seems to breed in this country.

I hope, since I chose to live in a metro area with a higher concentration of Asians, I won't have to worry about any of this any more.

"If it ain't White, it ain't right." is not something I care to hear again.

New Job . . . AGAIN?!?!??!!? WTF?

Yeah, I got another new job. I'll have 3 W2's to worry about next year.

Don't make me tell the whole story . . .

It was a cold winter morning in November of 2007. I was going into "QT Pie Industries" for an interview for my dream job of making the future robots the military would use. I had the interview, kicked its ass and got an offer over the phone. An hour later the offer was rescinded.

The reason I was given for the rescinded offer was purely financial and their middle management was pissed that they couldn't hire me.

Then through the next 3 years I would interview no less than 6 times for multiple positions within the company, some having nothing to do with robotics. The HR was perfectly wonderful but they kept getting blocked by the upper management on hiring for specific positions that I interviewed for.

My last interview was earlier this year and was never resolved even though I thought they needed people right away.

Now the upper management has been replaced and is stable. They called me in a few weeks ago and basically scheduled an interview without really discussing it with me (that's okay because I trust their HR). I felt like the interview was almost a formality.

So now I'm going to start there soon. I'm excited to get back into DoD contractor work again and my career will thank me for making this move.

Now I need to resolve the guilt of leaving my current job after only 3 months and the other guilt of having changed jobs twice in a year where 1 in 10 people don't have jobs.

I'll be in my basement lashing myself if you need me.

-YF

WTF

Why are people finding me under the search term "Young Asian GF's"?



It's wrong for so many reasons.

Crushing Asian Shame: Molly Wei

Oh Bitch, hell no.


Molly Wei did something pretty unconscionable to Tyler Clementi at Rutgers University.


Gay or not Tyler Clementi does not deserve to be secretly taped during sex and then exposed via webcast of said taping.

Your parents didn't raise you with enough crushing Asian shame. Now you face your peers and a world that will judge you for what you've done.