Follow the money, aka, "find the rich white man"

I've been shopping for a house with Bee (my soon to be fiance) and the broker/lawyer we're working with is a wealth of information. He makes great suggestions on where to live based on availability of public transportation, trends of where people with money are buying and where the greatest return on investment will be in 10-15 years.

What he has failed to calculate is that as a Chinese person, in a Chinese couple, I'd like to live where other Chinese people are. It's not about being away from White people or excluding any other ethnicity but rather being comfortable in finding sanctuary with those that most certainly share my values and traditions.

It seems to have never entered his mind that his clients would be concerned with that, but at the same time, he may not care.

This all led to a terse and slightly loud conversation I had with Bee on the T. It started with "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE NEAR A BUNCH OF WHITE PEOPLE!" and ended with a softer discussion about white privilege. During that time I got some knowing looks from the Black girl sitting nearby and some unhappy looks from the progressive Whites on the train that undoubtedly feel they don't belong in a group identified as having White privilege.

I don't feel guilty at having brought the conversation into public but I do feel guilty for presenting my STBF (soon to be fiance) with my past demons. She understands the concepts, but not the intense feelings I have on the subject.

I'm lucky that all she wants is to help me but she still doesn't know how. The worst thing about all this is that I've created a situation where she feels lost and detached from me and I'm not sure how to let her into that part of my life.

I am slowly trying to organize those feelings and find a way for her to understand the intensity of the kind of discrimination I grew up with and it starts with my suggestion to her to read Lac Su's "I Love Yous are for White People".

Until then, we'll keep looking and with the emphasis that we should live near other Asians.

I know what it's like to live in an all White community. I cherish the diversity/tolerance that it forced me to cultivate. I'd like my children to be able to grow up where they can adequately form their ethnic identities before being faced with those that constantly question their identities whether through curiousity or pig-headed ignorance.

Six, Three, Zero . . . sigh

In the past 2 months I've been on at least 6 interviews. I've gotten 3 job offers.

1 offer was at a company where I would be doing something I didn't care about but with a huge raise. At least that would have been better than my current situation of not caring about what I do and crappy pay.

Another offer was a contract position in a volatile industry. The pay was in the six figure range (a 40% raise for me) and was enticing. But the commute would have been more than an hour each way and I would have to live in fear that I would be dismissed any day.

The offer that was the best was from a medical robot start-up company. Exactly the same work I did in grad school with the opportunity to be in on the ground floor of something that might be great. Unfortunately I wasn't sure about the product and the overly ambitious time line and vague promises of benefits led me to stay at my more stable position.

So where am I now? At home, sighing and feeling guilty for lamenting my job situation when others don't have jobs.

Sigh . . .

Open Letter to lady who has something to say to everything

Dear White Lady I talked to today who had some ignorant advice every time I was just trying to make conversation,

You asked why I'm not in love with my home town. I told you I didn't have very good memories growing up there. Yes, your old, retired, formerly snow bird parents live there and it seems like a nice place to live. Yes, there's no snow there. But telling me about how good it is there doesn't make me like it because I lived there for 18+ mother-fucking years and know the town for what it truly is.

My home town is the only place Jimmy Hendrix said he would not play again. It's one of the first places that booed Andy Dick off the stage (I don't totally disagree with that, but there was wrong doing on both sides of that jackass convention). It's the only place where a beautiful woman DJing topless was booed into stopping her show simply because the crowd disliked her music (i understand she was not a half bad DJ and her top was off for Christ's sake . . . give her a break, loose boobies don't let you do battle scratching effectively).

But mostly I dislike my home town because of the racism that runs rampant in it. The highways outline the socio-economic and racial borders. In 2009 the town is still very starkly segregated and growing up there in the 80's was just that much worse.

So white lady . . . next time you tell me my hometown is not such a bad place and that I need to just spend more time there to appreciate it, remember that there is such a thing as white privilege and that it affords you luxuries like being able to say that my hometown is nice. Just remember that there are some places you can't go in that town because of the color of your skin. And more over, remember that I basically can't be comfortable any where in that town because of the color of my skin.

Sincerely,
YF

FUCK YOU BEST BUY

Let's slow down for a second.

I have a seasonal pet peeve. And that seasonal pet peeve is TV commercials that take well known Christmas songs and change the words (uncreatively, I might add) to hock their wares.

I'm talking to you Best Buy. Also Marshalls, TJMaxx currently and Old Navy from a few years ago.

I fucking hate so much!!!!

It's so infuriating. I can make better seasonal commercials than the ad wizards that shit this into a camera.

Before you say "Put up or shut up" let me stop you. I used to work production at a radio station. I have a decent understanding of what kind of media is well received and what is audio/video feces that makes educated people turn their radios off. Same concept applies in TV.

I'm so disappointed.

Jobs, Guilt and Shame

I'll admit that I have an over-developed sense of shame. I call it "Crushing Asian Shame" but we can save the argument of assigning ethnicity to that term for another time.

I've been looking for a new job for about 2 years. I've come really close and even gotten an unofficial offer over the phone for my dream job only to find it rescinded after the company changed their mind (inside source assured me it had nothing to do with any of my reasonable demands but rather internal finances).

I've interviewed at a lot of places in the last 2 years and I have mixed emotions about the situation I'm in right now.

Economy went bad and people lost jobs. I was lucky enough to keep mine. The program I work now is funded directly with stimulus money and, even though I'm pretty sure I would not have been laid off, I still guilty for looking for a new job.

Because of all this I feel like I'm asking for too much, or slapping fate in the face for letting me keep a job when I'm out looking for a new one.

Right now there are 2 companies checking my references and I fully expect an offer from at least one of them in the coming week.

And about 70% of what I feel is guilt.

Guilt at knowing that there are others struggling to find work. Guilt at knowing that for this job that I could be getting there are millions more that don't have one.

I try to take solace in knowing that the number of people applying for this job that are qualified to work the job are probably in the range of 2-10.

But I still feel shame from the guilt.

I feel like the best way to approach the situation is to just put those feelings aside for now. Maybe, if I get this job, I could donate some portion of my new earnings to those who could really use it. But it seems so selfish to donate to make myself feel good and I'm afraid that might create a new guilt shame.

When the job situation presents itself in a concrete manner I'll just listen to the voice in my head that sounds like my father. He always knows what to do.

Dou Xia

I spent the last 5 days with my gf and her family. Instead of a full on turkey dinner with all the fixins, we had hot pot (shabu-shabu) on thanksgiving. Followed by an obligatory game of monopoly and a slice of everything I helped my gf bake the night before. It's nice to be with people where I feel comfortable and I'm simply surprised that I was comfortable with people that weren't blood related.

While everything wasn't roses the entire time (there was also obligatory family tensions) and the fact that I couldn't understand but maybe 1/4 of what was being said, I was still exceptionally comfortable.

In the week prior I laid down the law for her younger sister and laid out a plan of checks and balances to makes sure she does well in school.

It's a testament to how deeply I feel for my gf that I'm starting to really care about her family and their well being.

Hiatus

I haven't written much lately even though lots of racial shit has gone down.

But this entry will be more about where things have gone and not so much about what to do about the future.

I was pursuing a company formation budding from my robotics club. Unfortunately it seems to be much harder to create a company and get support than it is to think of intellectual properties to attach to that company. So that is "on hold" indefinitely.

Fortunately, part of the reason I put my company formation on hold is also because President Obama signed a new defense bill into effect. This included funding for unmanned systems. So the robotics companies are hiring again. As a result I've been applying for jobs in my chosen field.

That coupled with appropriating funds to buy an engagement ring has my mind and time constantly occupied.

But I do have new thoughts to get out and I'll need to share soon again.