Haikus directed at Emo Interns

Intern

Dyed black hair on top

Tight jeans on bottom quarters

How are you hired?

Seasons Change

In spring flowers bloom

Minions darken eyes and hair

I hate emo kids

Twilight

Vampire outside

Engineer on the inside

I fear for my life

Spring Gardening

This spring I plan to plant beautiful flowers in front of where we park our cars.

I think the furniture pads and beer bottles my neighbors planted might sprout too. Beer bottle trees are vital to the beer economy.

Bitch, My name is Fred . . .

Let's study a summary excerpt from the "30 Rock" episode "Do-Over":

[Liz takes Bev on a tour of the studio which she says would be a really fun place for a kid to grow up as a light crashes behind her. She says they're a big family and greets a guy by saying "Hey Rick." He says "Bitch, My name is Fred. Rick is the other black guy." Liz grimaces and says it happens to everyone right. Bev says it happens all the time to her black husband.]

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Last week I went to Costco for lunch. As I approached the dining area with my carne asada in hand and mouth drooling a woman with a quality similar to Audrey from "Little Shop of Horrors" (the musical with Rick Moranis) was waving in my direction.

No, rather, she was waving at me.

I realized this and simply walked past her to make a point and to begin enjoying my carne asada. The thickness that is her skull would not allow the subtlety of my directed and calculated ignorance.

"Are you Carl?"

"No, my name is Jason."

" . . . You look like him."

I sat and proceeded to eat my carne asada slowly so could see what this "Carl" looked like.

Carl is Asian (at least Audrey got that part right).

Carl is balding. I mean, really developing a mean cul-de-sac.

Carl has different colored/shaped glasses.

Carl is at least 15 years my senior.

Carl is also a sad looking motherfucker.

Carl looked vaguely like I would in 20 years after losing everything and drowning my sorrows in fast food and video games.

Thanks, white lady Audrey.

Amy Chua is not a Comedienne

I've held off on talking about Amy Chua for a long time. Everyone has said what I wanted to say but until now I couldn't find they reason and words for exactly why I don't like her.

Sure, I dislike her because I interpret her pride in Chinese parenting to be in direct conflict with some of her life choices. Sure I hate the elitism she throws in your face by flaunting her Yale and Harvard credentials (I'm fairly certain that does not a better parent make). I also hate her for being the same exact kind of Chinese as me (Chinese from the Philippines) giving us this bad publicity. And I hate her for being the embodiment of the kind of bad parenting that left me emotionally crippled until just a few years ago (I was parented this way to a certain extent but do not resent my parents for the mistakes they made).

But the biggest problem I have with Amy Chua is that she is parading as a comedienne of parenting. The first week of her interviews was about hyping the book and getting word out about how she bullied and verbally abused her children. The second week was about how she was kidding about all that. Now people are saying you need a sense of humor.

Is a law professor at Yale with a J.D. from Harvard a comedienne? I bet on "Hell No".

Just like how members of congress are not comedians (See "Barack the Magic Negro"), a Harvard educated law professor should not be joking about child abuse. Especially when so many first generation Asian children have taken to the internet.

I can take an offensive joke from Margaret Cho about harsh Asian parenting because she's made it clear that she is kidding (because she's a comedienne and Asian).

Amy Chua miscalculated her publicity and will lose my interest in her book (as others should).

I don't go to see a freak show because of the hype the freaks create . . . especially when the hype is hurtful.

Like a fiG6

8 am. I'm rolling in my hybrid with Far East Movement cranked to 11. Sipping coffee and nibbling on a fig newton, not ackin' like I'm drunk.

Is this acceptable?

Yes, because it's fruit and cake.

Oversensitive Much?!?! - NASA Edition

So I'm being oversensitive here for comedic effect.

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No one wants to smell your stinky fish in space.

http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2010/11/01/in-space-no-one-wants-to-smell-your-stinky-fish-meal/?hpt=T2

If NASA wanted to institute the "No Asians in Space" rule then this was the way to do it.

Come to think about it NASA could stand for "No Asians in Space Association".

Screw you NASA, I'm bringing my fucking fish and I'm having it with fucking fish sauce in fucking space.

Crushing Asian Shame

Joe Kurihara has been arrested for public intoxication. So drunk that he forgot that he had a 3 year old to take care of. The boy is fine but I'm pretty sure the whole family is totally embarrassed.

I'm hoping this isn't what it takes for Asians to go mainstream in the US.

My parents shamed me so much before I was 3 years old that I was deathly afraid of the police (also partly because we called them "Stinky Police", a hold over from the Philippines where almost all police are corrupt).

I actually thought that at any time the police could come take me away for anything mildly offensive. From missing the garbage can to peeing outside the toilet bowl.

As I got older I noticed that cops didn't care about this stuff and that a good deal of them were too fat or too stupid to keep up.

I try to always think a few steps ahead and predict the consequences right before I go through with the action. Joe probably should have done the same.