Haikus directed at Emo Interns

Intern

Dyed black hair on top

Tight jeans on bottom quarters

How are you hired?

Seasons Change

In spring flowers bloom

Minions darken eyes and hair

I hate emo kids

Twilight

Vampire outside

Engineer on the inside

I fear for my life

Spring Gardening

This spring I plan to plant beautiful flowers in front of where we park our cars.

I think the furniture pads and beer bottles my neighbors planted might sprout too. Beer bottle trees are vital to the beer economy.

Bitch, My name is Fred . . .

Let's study a summary excerpt from the "30 Rock" episode "Do-Over":

[Liz takes Bev on a tour of the studio which she says would be a really fun place for a kid to grow up as a light crashes behind her. She says they're a big family and greets a guy by saying "Hey Rick." He says "Bitch, My name is Fred. Rick is the other black guy." Liz grimaces and says it happens to everyone right. Bev says it happens all the time to her black husband.]

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Last week I went to Costco for lunch. As I approached the dining area with my carne asada in hand and mouth drooling a woman with a quality similar to Audrey from "Little Shop of Horrors" (the musical with Rick Moranis) was waving in my direction.

No, rather, she was waving at me.

I realized this and simply walked past her to make a point and to begin enjoying my carne asada. The thickness that is her skull would not allow the subtlety of my directed and calculated ignorance.

"Are you Carl?"

"No, my name is Jason."

" . . . You look like him."

I sat and proceeded to eat my carne asada slowly so could see what this "Carl" looked like.

Carl is Asian (at least Audrey got that part right).

Carl is balding. I mean, really developing a mean cul-de-sac.

Carl has different colored/shaped glasses.

Carl is at least 15 years my senior.

Carl is also a sad looking motherfucker.

Carl looked vaguely like I would in 20 years after losing everything and drowning my sorrows in fast food and video games.

Thanks, white lady Audrey.