Jobs, Guilt and Shame

I'll admit that I have an over-developed sense of shame. I call it "Crushing Asian Shame" but we can save the argument of assigning ethnicity to that term for another time.

I've been looking for a new job for about 2 years. I've come really close and even gotten an unofficial offer over the phone for my dream job only to find it rescinded after the company changed their mind (inside source assured me it had nothing to do with any of my reasonable demands but rather internal finances).

I've interviewed at a lot of places in the last 2 years and I have mixed emotions about the situation I'm in right now.

Economy went bad and people lost jobs. I was lucky enough to keep mine. The program I work now is funded directly with stimulus money and, even though I'm pretty sure I would not have been laid off, I still guilty for looking for a new job.

Because of all this I feel like I'm asking for too much, or slapping fate in the face for letting me keep a job when I'm out looking for a new one.

Right now there are 2 companies checking my references and I fully expect an offer from at least one of them in the coming week.

And about 70% of what I feel is guilt.

Guilt at knowing that there are others struggling to find work. Guilt at knowing that for this job that I could be getting there are millions more that don't have one.

I try to take solace in knowing that the number of people applying for this job that are qualified to work the job are probably in the range of 2-10.

But I still feel shame from the guilt.

I feel like the best way to approach the situation is to just put those feelings aside for now. Maybe, if I get this job, I could donate some portion of my new earnings to those who could really use it. But it seems so selfish to donate to make myself feel good and I'm afraid that might create a new guilt shame.

When the job situation presents itself in a concrete manner I'll just listen to the voice in my head that sounds like my father. He always knows what to do.